Growing up I always ran away from wearing Indian dresses & thought Sarees are overrated, I always loved and felt home in gender neutral clothes, later on I even started exploring with skirts & cocktail dresses- basically anything that was not Indian woman's dress code. I was always referred to as a "tom-boy", because I loved playing outside, beat boys in the games that were considered only for boys. I would push my mum so I could go for a slumber party, which was off-limit for girls.
When I look back now, I realise I never hated Indian dresses or Sarees, what I really hated or was rebelling against was the connotation it had. In a society where people in real and reel life often connect femininity with weakness, where the dialogues like Tu chudi pehen le (implying you're not courageous) or Haath mein mehendi lagi hai kya (implying you're physically weak) are prevalent, I didn't want to be weak or cowardly.
All the women in regressive Bollywood movies who had fashionable western clothes, lived life on their own terms were always depicted as evil and I happened to love those women. I never aspired to be Sooraj Barjatya's ideal woman, which made me feel like an outcaste since childhood. And when I would skip meals out of protest, cry, fight to continue to wear western clothes, I thought there is noway I can display any affection for Indian clothes or Sarees. It will make me look weak.
I wish I could tell my younger self that it's not you who is fucked up, it's them. All you really want is freedom of choice, respect for who you are and to be treated equally and that’s okay.
Anyway, now I am extremely comfortable with my sexuality, with my femininity, with the strength and power it gives me.
Happy World Saree Day to all the Saree lovers!